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Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

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Category Archives: Sports

I pick his mind

This is Whizz Phinkleman, columnist for Sports-Aneurysm.com. I caught up with Cardinals manager Tony La Russa a few days ago, and asked him questions on various topics, not just baseball. I found La Russa to be a very candid and wonderful man. 

Whizz: Thanks for your time, Tony. First question: how has the 2011 season affected you personally and professionally?

TLR: Well, you know, got that title, we never gave up, Wrench had that double, came round the pole, hot dog mustard.

Whizz: What moment stands out most for you, in 2011?

TLR: Well, got that win over, whatwuzzit, Philadelphia, Polio had that great hammock. A great win for Jimnim. Fah.

Whizz: How does your family handle your long absences during the baseball season?

TLR: Well, got them a toast holder yesterday, been up all night. Rounded the bases, and, you know, Sparky Anderson.

Whizz: What piece of advice would you give aspiring ballplayers today?

TLR: Well, hard work. Give up not. Be fortense and shrilt, comesaken mine eyors.

Whizz: People say you have invented to modern bullpen. Do you agree?

TLR: Well, I like to use certain sticks with loamy soils to keep them fully tilled and ready for harvest. Made some tomato soup, Carp did a real good job. A competitor he is. Dunc hung up on me.

Whizz: What do you plan to do, after managing.

TLR: Well, bayside catches quite well then at least. Might. Wineries in season, I could go with Dotel in the 7th. That doesn’t work, they get six wickets, play the Ashes next month.

Whizz: Finally, Sir, if you could save the life of a sick dog or a perfectly healthy human, which would you save?

TLR: Well, the dog with his phreosis, you know, a human has those great arms, gflaffk, the dog and his fur for warmth, human probably, but a difficult decision.

Whizz: Thanks for your time.

TLR: Sourdough baguette.

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A thinking jock's thinking jock

April 1, 2011: Grass on field. I like green grass. Why does green grass get brown sometimes?

April 22: Would baseball be called baseball if it used holes instead of bases and no balls?

April 30: Pujols reads Bibles good. I like God.

May 13: My arm hurts. Journalist asking me about it. They are all fat.

May 19: Bug on back of bus seat. Bug looks hungry. Give him cracker. Too big for him.

May 29: I wish my truck was like Berkman’s truck. His truck is real nice.

June 1: Heinz ketchup is good. Hunt’s is also good. I like hot dogs, but only sometimes.

June 12: Does the Sun go round the Earth? I forgot.

June 25: Why do I get a hard-on when I see Tim Lincecum?

July 3: What if whole team dies in plane crash? What if angel cannot find my body?

July 22: Hispanics like loud music. Sounds like my dog got into the pots and pans.

August 6: Is this the halfway point of the year? Why do we not have six-month years? Or one-month weeks?

August 24: Can’t wait to watch The Expendables again.

August 30: Why is there a West Virginia and not an East Virginia?

September 7: Can I move the gatorade jug with my thoughts?

September 15: I think I want to be called Matthew Holliday from now on.

September 27: Did the Mexicans invent the burrito first, or did the Chinese invent the egg roll first?

October 4: If the moon blew up, would the playoffs be cancelled?

October 5: When I see a butterfly, I want to fly too.

Oh to be young and a corporate shill

Tammy Scharfe, 21, Belleville IL

Synopsis: We found her behind a Chick-Fil-A in Collinsville flashing her boobs to Bears fans. Producer Glen asked her what she thought of being a Fox Sports Girl and she said her boyfriend loved to watch sports in prison and that she was a pretty big mud wrestling fan. We gave her a video camera and told her to shoot herself, promote Fox Sports, as if she were at a Cardinals event. We never saw the camera again, but got some amateur video in the mail a few weeks later. She (presumably Tammy) was on a boat. Couldn’t see her face very well; only tattoos and hair.

Brittannee Mansfield, 19, Jersey County IL

Synopsis: She stumbled into our office asking about a secretary job. Her spunkiness got the attention of Max the PR guy. Max asked her what books she was reading and she mentioned Cosmo Girl and cereal boxes. Then asked if she liked sports and said her father liked hats. Got her in a video at once where she twirled around and shouted. Secretary skills non-existent, however. She couldn’t find the keyboard.

Ashleye Collins, 20, Granite City IL

Synopsis: A little fat. Told her to stop eating Combos and Funyuns and made her sign a waiver. Still wears her g-string above her jean shorts – what is this, 2002? However she LOVES the Cards, Rams, and Blues. Energy is infectious. Possible skin rash is infectious. Did a video where she sang a Xtina song. Barely fits into a ladysize Matt Holliday shirsey. May only want to video her from the waist up and nose down.

Sara Giniotti, 18, South St. Louis

Synopsis: Works the counter at Panera and thought we should bring her in. Perky, like a little hot tamale! She was grinding everybody in the room. Gave Samantha, our intern, a French kiss. Then grabbed Moose our cameraman in the crotch and he bore an erection for the next 20 minutes. Ruined his Wranglers. Kept asking how much she’d be paid. Asked what her future plans were and said she wanted to be a dental hygienist. Was trying to enroll at Kaplan.  Asked about sports and she dry humped a potted plant.

Muffy Warmbottom, 24, Country Life Acres

Synopsis: Elegantly strode into the room with a Victorian contempt for our workingmen. Asked if we had scotch jammies. Sat with the lightest effort. Asked if she watched Fox Sports and replied that foxes are rather sporting. Then regaled us with a tale of Sir Humphrey Lamplightner and his famed dalmatians. Nearly hired on the spot. We said that she would be doing spots for the Blues and Cardinals; she looked utterly lost. Explained hockey and baseball for next hour, she said it sounded too Cossack for her. But what a lady! Shortlisted for Fox Sports EPL coverage.

Hot leads in cold climes

Greetings b-ball fans, this is Jacko Cornfister with an NBA update for late summer 2011. As you are all beginning to realize, and as I alone predicted six months ago, the NBA season will be locked out indefinitely and may never restart…AGAIN! As a result, there are several pro players playing in European basketball and I have been given the Scandinavian beat for the 2011-12 season. And oh boy, am I excited to cover this under-appreciated and outstanding league of basketball!

First off, the Stavenger Salmoneaters. This powerhouse has won the Norwegian League seven of the last nine years. And they did it without the hot stud newcomers: center Ka’Jarl Jensen and D’Ragnar Van der Hoop. These two max-males should eat up the competition, and the Salmoneaters are heavy favorites to win it all yet again. It seems the only people capable of stopping them are themselves. Will the insatiable sexual appetite of Le’Baldur Brønso cause more unneeded distractions? Will coach Larri Bjerd tame those egos and harness their energy, yet again?

Nipping at their heals are the Trømso Sharkfuck. These players, dubbed the “nastiest in the league”, will fight and scratch for every ball. Using their defense-first philosophy, coach Rolf Virginslayer has instilled in these kids a sense of purpose and self-worth. He has purposely delved into the depths of Oslo ghettoes to get such players as Markqwindø Völcker, De’Ingmar Bergman, and Shaquille O. Nilsson. However, will the destructive antics of Kwame Kjerkeberg make the Sharkfuck yet another chum for the Salmoneater empire?

And please do not count out the Stockholm Ballbratz. They are led by big man Rondo Manpenis who can throw balls around better than most. Coach Lothar of the Northern Tribe will have his team ready to play, no doubt. He may even have guard Jawon Jedermünster back from earlobe surgery in time for their first series against the cross-country rival Gothenburg Svenska Meatbåller.

Helsinki Stinkies: just because they have a funny name to American ears (stinky means “honorable sportsman” in Finnish) and just because they actually have a serious B.O. problem (since Finlanders don’t wear deodorant) doesn’t mean this Scandinavian power-hoose will back down. They welcome any match and will scratch and claw their way to a win, even if it means they’ll miss the last bus to a glacial lake for ice fishing. In years past the Stinkies have gotten by with poor talent, but this year their owner Huuluup Juustuupuussenen has purchased the services of Chinese center Hitler Chen. Chen led the Chinese Basketball Concern in rebounds and assists last year. This should make the Helsinki squad much better.

I would report on the somewhat-improved Copenhagen and Oslo sides, but they have a lemming’s chance of winning the Scandinavian title. Oslo has been reeling for years, especially after revelations that their owner Swollen Vulva was in cahoots with Norway’s biggest Ponzi-schemer, Fridtjof Shapiro. As for Copenhagen, they simply can’t win when their star player is a Jutlander. A Jutlander!

I can’t wait to record this exciting year of Scandinavian B-Ball! You can follow me on twitter (@Thareal_JCornfister) and Facebook (John Francis Cornfister).

The wrist of the story

1764: One of St. Louis’s founding officials, during a game of Keep-Away Indian-Skull, loses control of the skull which hits Auguste Chouteau in the crotch, exploding one his testicles. Chouteau is bedridden for the next nine months, forced to watch the other Frenchmen erect trading posts and rape local squaws. Chouteau recovers by April 1765, but his raping skills are never the same again.

1812: In the one major battle of the War of 1812 fought on Missouri soil, British brigadier-general Percy Bumstench shoots Molasses Murtagh between the eyes, killing him. Murtagh was being billed as the next big prospect in slave-trading, devastating St. Louis’ slave-trading fans.

1828: Local horse-fucker Nathaniel J. Knobb gets fatally kicked while fucking his last horse. Knobb had won first prize at the popular Beastercourse and Goatilingus contests at the 1827 Riverfront Faire.

1863: St. Louis’ most celebrated Negrocatcher, F.R. Coates, gets shot in the leg accidentally by Confederate soldiers. His days of Negrocatching over, the crestfallen Confederacy names him an honorary southerner, and makes him a plaque and bust at the Negrocatching Hall of Fame in Montgomery, Ala.

1885: Hard-throwing lefty Leo Van der Roszs of the St. Louis All-Whites Baseball and Gentlemen’s Club gets run over by a horse and buggy outside his home. Van der Roszs loses all feeling in his arms and legs, unable to pitch again. He spends the rest of his days working in an Eads Bridge caisson, dying of the bends in 1889.

1899: John Mealwick of the St. Louis Perfectos, while on the mound, gets hit by a falling hot-air balloon and loses half his torso in the ensuing hydrogen fire.

1918: Top boxing prospect Joey “The Wop” Cusumano is defeated by a mixed-blood Chinaman, humiliating him and his race and casting a dark pall over St. Louis for years to come.

1942: The St. Louis Browns lose two promising pitchers to Axis powers: “Comrade” Jack Horton signs an unprecedented contract with the Moscow Zhiants, and Frankie “Fuji” Spuccanucci joins the Tokyo Athretics.

1966: While enraptured in Beatlemania, Gridbirds linebacker Dick Seaman’s daughter Shirley devours him, puts his fecal remains in a jar, and mails it to Paul McCartney.

1982: After several Cardinals do a giant line of coke off of Whitey Herzog’s titties, owner August Busch thinks it best to send all-star Keith Hernandez away from the team. Busch later sends more coke fiends and dead locker-room hookers to the New York Mets.

1995: The sexual innuendo on Friends is so unprecedented that serial-watcher Bernard Gilkey never lives up to his potential.

2005: Due to Mark McGwire’s congressional testimony, young phenom Colt Schweinbach stops doing anabolic steroids and therefore deprives St. Louis of a 75-home run, 43-win season in 2015, which he would have done had steroids not been banned from baseball. The normal-sized Schweinbach is now moving up the corporate ladder at Mattress Giant.

All white and all right

For this week’s installment, we go back in time to a simpler era: the nineteenth century. Baseball was getting into full “swing”, haha, and just starting up professional clubs. The Brown Stockings (prelude to the Cardinals, not the Browns, who were named after the old Brown Stockings…oh never mind) were St. Louis’s pride and joy. Most of all, they gave St. Louisans a new entertainment outlet. St. Louis, at that time, was the Chicago of the Midwest, being the fourth-largest city in the country. And Chicago was the St. Louis of the Midwest, playing second-fiddle. Rubbish the history lesson. Let’s get started!

The uniforms: considered forward-thinking at the time. Made of a combination of cotton and Chinese cadavers. Browns owner Barnaby J. Custard thought the wide necks made his players look fearsome, and the Caesar’s Palace collars made the boys instantly recognizable. The skin-tight fit was a prelude to baseball styles in the 1970s and 1980s. The billowy pants and knickers remained. For the footwear, Mr. Custard ordered special editions of buffalo-hyde leather shoes with passenger pigeon feathers as a cushioning agent.

The facial hair code: Mr. Custard thought the mustache a pious instrument, and ordered his players to grow and maintain them. Pork chops and neck beards were also acceptable, but only for the star players Billy Dillinger, Ezekiel McCabe, and Randolph “Sturdy” McWhorty. Excessive “chest-fur” was also to be removed so that it did not show itself above the collar.

The head hair code: Oiled and parted down the middle like any other self-respecting Christian man.

The moral code: Mr. Custard orders all players to be married, or virgins. They must limit their whiskey to one gallon per week. No horse-bets or fraternizing with Catholics or Negroes. Every Sunday the team must attend Reverend William Icarus Beveley’s fiery sermon.

The wellness code: All players are on a strict diet of beefsteak, bacon, and onions. They must work out on the medicine ball at least one hour per day. A phrenologist will be on duty to monitor players’ well-being. Enemas will be administered regularly throughout the week. Bilious players will be given a one-week reprieve.

Players’ ethnicities: While Mr. Custard would take a look at any talented baller, there was to be absolutely no Negroes, no Catholics, no Hebrews or Semites of any kind, no Mongoloids nor Mohammedans, and no Republicans. Protestants of German or Anglo-Saxon extraction were preferred.

On road trips: the Browns were quartered in a typical way, that is, overnighting at a saloon, boxcar, or, if pressed, a hayloft.

Sportsmanship: No racial taunts of an opposing player unless there is solid hearsay demonstrating that he is a descendant of a Negress. No spiking, ramming, or horse-collaring while running the bases. Pitchers must abstain from throwing the spit-ball, piss-ball, Turk-ball, or the unhittable Buster’s Bile-Ball. Otherwise, after a loss you must tip your cap and shout “Bully!”.

If any of these rules are broken: Mr. Custard will terminate your contract and send you packing. You hereafter will not be welcome in any Western League, Great Lakes League, Mason-Dixon League, or Horse ‘n Plow League.

PICTURED – BACK ROW STANDING FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: Moses Aloicious Standifer, Carson Canyon Goodspeed, Billy Dillinger.

SITTING ROW FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: Alexander “Back Door” Ribus, Ezekiel McCabe, Jack “The Ottoman” Moore, George Lazarus “Shorty” Lipscomb, Fear-of-God Lansing, Ernst “Kaiser” Schuller.

PRONE ON THE FLOOR: The catcher Randolph “Sturdy” McWhorty.

The flagship franchise of the Doritos® National League

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI – In a bright and sunny sky, baseball returned to the nation as the Cardinal’s played the Met’s on Opening Day 2011. Teh Cards showed off there new stadium, CitiBank of America Field at Busch Stadium V, a retro-style “cookie-cutter” stadium that was popular back in the 1970’s and 80’s. (The stadium’s name is odd because nobody has drank Busch Beer since 2032.) The pylons and gerders gleamed in the sunlight, almost welcoming the fan’s themselves as they walked on the Hoverwalk thru the stadium’s main gate. Everybody was happy. They expec their team to win. The Cardinal’s finished a disappointing 13th place behind the Tulsa FLASH! last year. This year there roster was upgrated with the picther Mohammed Al-Irani and slugger Justin Bieber III. The Card’s should compete with last years champion the Guadalajara Conchos.

It did not go there way. The Met’s won on a 9th-inning home run by Edith Schuerholz, sponsored by Subway Women’s Lite Beefy Tacos®.

On a side note, for the first time in more than 200 years, the Cardinal’s wont be wearing red. They have switched to purple and gold. Despite outcries from the last 400 white people living in St. Louis, the new colors reflect a marketing decision to attract the majority hispanic and asian population of the city.