Skip to content

Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

Not really about Latvian fishes

Category Archives: Scandinavians

Hot leads in cold climes

Greetings b-ball fans, this is Jacko Cornfister with an NBA update for late summer 2011. As you are all beginning to realize, and as I alone predicted six months ago, the NBA season will be locked out indefinitely and may never restart…AGAIN! As a result, there are several pro players playing in European basketball and I have been given the Scandinavian beat for the 2011-12 season. And oh boy, am I excited to cover this under-appreciated and outstanding league of basketball!

First off, the Stavenger Salmoneaters. This powerhouse has won the Norwegian League seven of the last nine years. And they did it without the hot stud newcomers: center Ka’Jarl Jensen and D’Ragnar Van der Hoop. These two max-males should eat up the competition, and the Salmoneaters are heavy favorites to win it all yet again. It seems the only people capable of stopping them are themselves. Will the insatiable sexual appetite of Le’Baldur Brønso cause more unneeded distractions? Will coach Larri Bjerd tame those egos and harness their energy, yet again?

Nipping at their heals are the Trømso Sharkfuck. These players, dubbed the “nastiest in the league”, will fight and scratch for every ball. Using their defense-first philosophy, coach Rolf Virginslayer has instilled in these kids a sense of purpose and self-worth. He has purposely delved into the depths of Oslo ghettoes to get such players as Markqwindø Völcker, De’Ingmar Bergman, and Shaquille O. Nilsson. However, will the destructive antics of Kwame Kjerkeberg make the Sharkfuck yet another chum for the Salmoneater empire?

And please do not count out the Stockholm Ballbratz. They are led by big man Rondo Manpenis who can throw balls around better than most. Coach Lothar of the Northern Tribe will have his team ready to play, no doubt. He may even have guard Jawon Jedermünster back from earlobe surgery in time for their first series against the cross-country rival Gothenburg Svenska Meatbåller.

Helsinki Stinkies: just because they have a funny name to American ears (stinky means “honorable sportsman” in Finnish) and just because they actually have a serious B.O. problem (since Finlanders don’t wear deodorant) doesn’t mean this Scandinavian power-hoose will back down. They welcome any match and will scratch and claw their way to a win, even if it means they’ll miss the last bus to a glacial lake for ice fishing. In years past the Stinkies have gotten by with poor talent, but this year their owner Huuluup Juustuupuussenen has purchased the services of Chinese center Hitler Chen. Chen led the Chinese Basketball Concern in rebounds and assists last year. This should make the Helsinki squad much better.

I would report on the somewhat-improved Copenhagen and Oslo sides, but they have a lemming’s chance of winning the Scandinavian title. Oslo has been reeling for years, especially after revelations that their owner Swollen Vulva was in cahoots with Norway’s biggest Ponzi-schemer, Fridtjof Shapiro. As for Copenhagen, they simply can’t win when their star player is a Jutlander. A Jutlander!

I can’t wait to record this exciting year of Scandinavian B-Ball! You can follow me on twitter (@Thareal_JCornfister) and Facebook (John Francis Cornfister).

Merriment at 60 degrees north

Perhaps there is no greater treasure-trove of geeky pics than those of this website. Their efforts for dance-polka are almost touching. These musicians – and there are so many like them – are utterly incapable of shame. They put out albums like sardines on toast. The mystique is compounded by the fact that the musicians are young – the prime of their sexual lives – and rocking the dance hall like nobody’s business. I can’t imagine that anybody under 50 listens to this music, but hey, this is Scandinavia. Their sense of hyper-ironic fashion is off the charts.

Bear in mind, most of these hysterical album covers are from the 70s and 80s. Styles, especially musicians’ styles, are not hard to ridicule during this period. Like shooting fish in a barrel. But I will not ridicule these guys. I love their enthusiasm.

Starting from the left:

Jon Jonsson: spent a whole two hours making sure his hair was matted and parted perfectly. His mustache recently won the 1984 Malmö hårfest, and felt on top of his game. For an accordion player, attitude is the difference between second and first place.

Birgit Hildegaard: since being spotted in a Göteborg art school, she has lit up Swedish radio with her upbeat songs of glacial love. That she is considered the sexiest brunette in Sweden, according to the Aftonbladet, has helped Toreson gain international fame – and by that I mean Norway and also Denmark.

Davey Nilsson: his drug problems now under control, the celebrated bassist wears the most sought-after spectacle frames in Scandinavia. As a testament to his sobriety, and his dead drug user friends, he keeps a locket of heroin around his neck.

Erik Torborg: An aficionado of American Civil War memorabilia, his bandmates call him “Stönwall” affectionately. His mastery of the drums led him to fill in briefly for the Cardigans world tour in 1998.

Alfred “Blondi” Magnusson: his boyish charm and Simba hair keeps the band loose. He can play the saxophone, tuba, and xylophone – all at once.

The shirts, oh the shirts: purchased in bulk from Stockholm’s premier retailer, Retård. Poses courtesy of Ingrid Horst, the “Annie Liebovitz of Jönköping”. She is trying to symbolize the flight of terrified Irish, racing from Viking landers full of blood-lust and rape-loin.