November 21, 2011 Chronicle of Last Night’s Events
Good Sirs, I promise whiskey for all!
By J. Dwyer McGillicuddy, popular affairs & common pursuits reporter
Last night this reporter witnessed Democracy in action. Seven fellows of the Reflex Party vied for the ears and minds of the populace. They were asked a series of questions and given the task of answering them.
This reportage is a compendium of highlights and lowlights from last night’s events at Harken’s Barn on the outskirts of Pickaninny Pond.
On the question of Southern perfidy and the nullification crisis:
Mr. Lazarus Artemus Scipio Cain: “I am a Negro, yes, but what dem southerners wanna do I ain’t stoppin’ them no sir. I juss do the gov’mint’s business, heyap.”
Mr. Bartholomew H. Gingrich: “I am a man of History, and as I nightly involve myself with the exploits of our Founding Fathers, I garner a greater and greater appreciation of their wisdom and see that wisdom among our brothers in South Carolina. I do smile upon their great crusade, God be with you, dear countrymen.”
Mr. Brigham W. Romney: “As long as the government leaves Utah Territory alone, I’m as happy as a kitten in molasses.”
Mr. Fire-and-Brimstone Paul: “Why do we have a constarnakin’ President and his rotund potentates flaccifinadin’ in his ear-hole, dagnabbit, I’d have drug his weasel ass into the River.”
Mr. Samuel Shenandoah “Chinese” Huntsman: “I repeat the comment of the esteemed Mr. Romney.”
Mr. Aw-Shucks Perry: “Hoohaw, dem Dixie-butts done got thermselves in a right keddoofle, but they juss some good ol boys doin’ right by me.”
On the question of Chinese rail-workers and their immoral influence on the Western districts:
Mr. L.A.S. Cain: “The whoosits now? I ain’t never seen no Chinaman. Heyap.”
Mr. B.H. Gingrich: “As I draw from a wealth of knowledge aquired by many a night by the fire, I agree with those who think the Chinaman is an inferior and rather repulsive Race. Though their presence shames me considerably, I do realize their value in building our Great White Ironlines across our blessed Continent.”
Mr. B.W. Romney: “I have first-hand knowledge of these Races from my home Territory of Utah. They are indeed a scourge but as long as they are confined to their quarters and kept occupied, and sent back to Foo-Chow upon completion, I am satisfied.”
Mr. F. Paul: “You know these ching-chong varmints got these collective minds? They even shit together. I want nothin’ to do with these Orientals and their rice-sticks.”
Mr. S.S. “Chinese” Huntsman: “I spent some time in Farthest Cathay. They are indeed a queer and quizzical Species. They eat with sticks and drink leaf-water. I think their babies are born out of hillsides. They certainly need Christian guidance. Mormon guidance.”
Mr. A. Perry: “Now this Huntsman feller is scarin’ me. Mormons? Why in a dog’s anus are we carin’ about them Orientals when Mormons are crawling all over our dear Middle-West? If I were President, I’d send the Cavalry out to take care of ’em. And those Orientals too. Never cared much for those slipper-wearing catnabbers.”
On the question of photographic contraptions and other inventive mechanisms that seem to be profligating.
Mr. L.A.S. Cain: “I done seen that one thing, whatsit now…it ain’t comin’ to me. But I done saw one of those iron chariots that bellow out dat smoke, heyap, it was all up in dat shack. Dang near spooked the pigs. Heyap.”
Mr. B.H. Gingrich: “As a man of history, I do not believe that books will ever be replaced by mechanisms nor powered by something other than a gentleman’s wrist and forefinger. I do welcome the sciences, however, provided that they do not interfere with our Republic and its hallowed institutions.”
Mr. B.W. Romney: “If one ironsided-horse or lightning-powered steamboat can get Mormons that much faster to the Promised Land, then I as President am not wont to interfere with such a creation.”
Mr. F. Paul: “Gales and filarney! I knew them Sciencers were up to somethin’ when I saw them flusherin’ that indoor commode, their consarned ‘toy-let’ which sounds dagnam French to me. I ain’t seen no hole that wan’t worth my fecal issue.”
Mr. S.S. “Chinese” Huntsman: “I agree with the esteemed gentleman from Massachusetts.”
Mr. A. Perry: “Aw shucks, I once took a looksee to one of them, howsits, puffer-stacks that look like Osage horse-cocks but it didn’t move me no way. Once they find a way to refriggerate my hooch then they can call me.”
What book or tome do you consult when guidance is your desire.
Mr. L.A.S. Cain: “Hell I ain’t read no book but I like them splotches on pine trees.”
Mr. B.H. Gingrich: “I do enjoy the ruminations of Seneca and Cicero. When in a festive or hysterical mood I consult the base woodcuttings of certain European artists bearing nude images of the female form. I then whip my genitals until bloodied.”
Mr. B.W. Romney: “All wisdom and certainty begins and ends with the Book of Mormon, no matter what the esteemed Mr. Perry says. Just before retiring I like to imagine myself in the bosom of Brigham Young while he strokes my hair.”
Mr. F. Paul: “Heesh, lemme think now, I do like that Adam Smith a great deal. Them Scotchmen are enterprissin’ folk. When I’m lumberin’ I like to take off my britches and read a few chapters of Captain Stevens and his Negro Attendant.”
Mr. S.S. “Chinese” Huntsman: “I also like the Book of Mormon and, on certain nights, a golden book appears which gives me advice on male orgasm.”
Mr. A. Perry: “Woohaw I do have intercourse with my Bible, word of God and all. Also like me some ghost stories and pictures of Conquistadors. “
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