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Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

Not really about Latvian fishes

Oh to be young and a corporate shill

Tammy Scharfe, 21, Belleville IL

Synopsis: We found her behind a Chick-Fil-A in Collinsville flashing her boobs to Bears fans. Producer Glen asked her what she thought of being a Fox Sports Girl and she said her boyfriend loved to watch sports in prison and that she was a pretty big mud wrestling fan. We gave her a video camera and told her to shoot herself, promote Fox Sports, as if she were at a Cardinals event. We never saw the camera again, but got some amateur video in the mail a few weeks later. She (presumably Tammy) was on a boat. Couldn’t see her face very well; only tattoos and hair.

Brittannee Mansfield, 19, Jersey County IL

Synopsis: She stumbled into our office asking about a secretary job. Her spunkiness got the attention of Max the PR guy. Max asked her what books she was reading and she mentioned Cosmo Girl and cereal boxes. Then asked if she liked sports and said her father liked hats. Got her in a video at once where she twirled around and shouted. Secretary skills non-existent, however. She couldn’t find the keyboard.

Ashleye Collins, 20, Granite City IL

Synopsis: A little fat. Told her to stop eating Combos and Funyuns and made her sign a waiver. Still wears her g-string above her jean shorts – what is this, 2002? However she LOVES the Cards, Rams, and Blues. Energy is infectious. Possible skin rash is infectious. Did a video where she sang a Xtina song. Barely fits into a ladysize Matt Holliday shirsey. May only want to video her from the waist up and nose down.

Sara Giniotti, 18, South St. Louis

Synopsis: Works the counter at Panera and thought we should bring her in. Perky, like a little hot tamale! She was grinding everybody in the room. Gave Samantha, our intern, a French kiss. Then grabbed Moose our cameraman in the crotch and he bore an erection for the next 20 minutes. Ruined his Wranglers. Kept asking how much she’d be paid. Asked what her future plans were and said she wanted to be a dental hygienist. Was trying to enroll at Kaplan.  Asked about sports and she dry humped a potted plant.

Muffy Warmbottom, 24, Country Life Acres

Synopsis: Elegantly strode into the room with a Victorian contempt for our workingmen. Asked if we had scotch jammies. Sat with the lightest effort. Asked if she watched Fox Sports and replied that foxes are rather sporting. Then regaled us with a tale of Sir Humphrey Lamplightner and his famed dalmatians. Nearly hired on the spot. We said that she would be doing spots for the Blues and Cardinals; she looked utterly lost. Explained hockey and baseball for next hour, she said it sounded too Cossack for her. But what a lady! Shortlisted for Fox Sports EPL coverage.

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