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Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

Not really about Latvian fishes

Hot leads in cold climes

Greetings b-ball fans, this is Jacko Cornfister with an NBA update for late summer 2011. As you are all beginning to realize, and as I alone predicted six months ago, the NBA season will be locked out indefinitely and may never restart…AGAIN! As a result, there are several pro players playing in European basketball and I have been given the Scandinavian beat for the 2011-12 season. And oh boy, am I excited to cover this under-appreciated and outstanding league of basketball!

First off, the Stavenger Salmoneaters. This powerhouse has won the Norwegian League seven of the last nine years. And they did it without the hot stud newcomers: center Ka’Jarl Jensen and D’Ragnar Van der Hoop. These two max-males should eat up the competition, and the Salmoneaters are heavy favorites to win it all yet again. It seems the only people capable of stopping them are themselves. Will the insatiable sexual appetite of Le’Baldur Brønso cause more unneeded distractions? Will coach Larri Bjerd tame those egos and harness their energy, yet again?

Nipping at their heals are the Trømso Sharkfuck. These players, dubbed the “nastiest in the league”, will fight and scratch for every ball. Using their defense-first philosophy, coach Rolf Virginslayer has instilled in these kids a sense of purpose and self-worth. He has purposely delved into the depths of Oslo ghettoes to get such players as Markqwindø Völcker, De’Ingmar Bergman, and Shaquille O. Nilsson. However, will the destructive antics of Kwame Kjerkeberg make the Sharkfuck yet another chum for the Salmoneater empire?

And please do not count out the Stockholm Ballbratz. They are led by big man Rondo Manpenis who can throw balls around better than most. Coach Lothar of the Northern Tribe will have his team ready to play, no doubt. He may even have guard Jawon Jedermünster back from earlobe surgery in time for their first series against the cross-country rival Gothenburg Svenska Meatbåller.

Helsinki Stinkies: just because they have a funny name to American ears (stinky means “honorable sportsman” in Finnish) and just because they actually have a serious B.O. problem (since Finlanders don’t wear deodorant) doesn’t mean this Scandinavian power-hoose will back down. They welcome any match and will scratch and claw their way to a win, even if it means they’ll miss the last bus to a glacial lake for ice fishing. In years past the Stinkies have gotten by with poor talent, but this year their owner Huuluup Juustuupuussenen has purchased the services of Chinese center Hitler Chen. Chen led the Chinese Basketball Concern in rebounds and assists last year. This should make the Helsinki squad much better.

I would report on the somewhat-improved Copenhagen and Oslo sides, but they have a lemming’s chance of winning the Scandinavian title. Oslo has been reeling for years, especially after revelations that their owner Swollen Vulva was in cahoots with Norway’s biggest Ponzi-schemer, Fridtjof Shapiro. As for Copenhagen, they simply can’t win when their star player is a Jutlander. A Jutlander!

I can’t wait to record this exciting year of Scandinavian B-Ball! You can follow me on twitter (@Thareal_JCornfister) and Facebook (John Francis Cornfister).

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