Skip to content

Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

Not really about Latvian fishes

Back to anonymity, you betcha

An anonymous person reported the following events at Tim Pawlenty’s thank-you party for supporters of his doomed campaign. 

8:02pm: Pawlenty takes the podium. Visibly upset, wan. Minnesota smile not so warm anymore. Iowa has betrayed him and he tries his best to thank Iowans. Mumbles something about their hard work and dedication. Says that Bachmann will be a good president but scratches his ear as he does so, thus revealing his true negativity.

8:12: Pawlenty at the bar. Orders a light beer and makes small talk with Iowans about comparisons between Miller Lite and Grain Belt. After second beer he decides he wants to “get freaky”.

8:15: Pawlenty demands something “risqué” and they put Credence Clearwater Revival on the loudspeakers. Pawlenty commences to do the jitterbug and then the hully-gully, causing some middle-aged Iowan ladies to gasp in shock.

8:45: Pawlenty asks the only black guy in the room how to do the “bump and grind”. After the black guy demurs, he proceeds to “raise the roof”. Black guy exits immediately.

9:04: Pawlenty returns to the bar. This time orders a Tom Collins. Looks at a blonde woman to his left, winks. Blonde doesn’t return the wink.

9:06: Pawlenty drains a shot glass of Wild Turkey. Tells anyone who’ll listen that Wild Turkey is what made America great. His campaign manager tries to whisper something in his ear, but Pawlenty waves him off and the epithet “turkey-jerky” is heard.

9:28: Back on the dance floor. Does the oogie-woogie and an unserious attempt at the bunny hop. Then asks the only Latino in the room if he knows of the “forbidden dance”. Latino shrugs and exits the party immediately.

9:55: Pawlenty’s hair is not so combed. Scruffy visage. Shirttail untucked. Hollers several “woo-hoos” and “aw yeahs” while holding a Heineken.

10:12: Pawlenty gets touchy. I mean, he starts rubbing women on the shoulders unnecessarily. Rubs a few backs. Rubs a young activist’s back and she looks visibly uncomfortable. Winks at a group of young Iowan Republicans. Orders them drinks: strawberry martinis. They look uncomfortable also.

10:18: Pawlenty strolls up to young Iowan Republicans and begins small talk about how they are “the future” and “the foundation”. Rubs a young blonde’s shoulders while saying “foundation”. She says “ewww” and walks away. Pawlenty isn’t fazed. Touches the arm of a hostess and orders an Alexander. Erection is visible beneath his chinos.

10:32: Pawlenty is in the bathroom for an awfully long time. Exiting man heard to say, “Is someone crying in there?”

10:43: Pawlenty back at the bar and drinks what looks like a vodka-cranberry. Small and slurred talk about the Vikings’ chances this year. Campaign manager comes back looking concerned. ABC reporter lurking outside the conversation. Pawlenty looks at the reporter and shouts, “I’m sure you’re happy now, turkey-jerky!”

10:55: Pawlenty appears to have soiled himself. Big men surround him looking to get him out. Campaign manager and wife return to talk to him like he were a child. Pawlenty growls. Gives a cocky “whazzup” towards young female campaign aides. Two men grab him by the armpits. Pawlenty growls again. Mints, Archie comics, and a sharpie fall out of his jacket.

11:01: Someone on the loudspeaker announces that Pawlenty has gone home for the evening, to be with his family. Nobody reacts.


%d bloggers like this: