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Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

Not really about Latvian fishes

Boehner of the Apocalypse

This diary was retrieved on May 3, 2309. It appears to have been written by an operative or official of some sort from the Republican Party, one of the two main political parties in the United States of (Old) America from 1860 to 2011. In 2011, a deficit-spending bill was not passed by the U.S.O.A. Congress, resulting in a civilizational collapse not seen since the 5th century. This month-long diary is a peek into the horrors unfolding around a single building in (Old) Washington D.C. during August 2011.

August 6: Hooray! We succeeded in not lifting the debt ceiling so our government has gone into default. Finally bloated and liberal Washington will learn to live within its means, small and ineffective, just as our founding fathers intended. President Obama will surely not be re-elected in 2012. Long live the Tea Party, long live the New GOP!

August 7: Had a congratulatory fiesta at Eric Cantor’s home. Margaritas and nachos. Mr. Rush Limbaugh was grinning ear to ear, popping pills and generally being the life of the party. His bellowing bellicosity made everyone flush with pride. Our Republican Party, Party of Lincoln, Party of Personal Responsibility, has taken back the nation. Huzzah! At one point they showed a dejected Obama on the TV. Fierce, fierce boos all around. This man has had his comeuppance. History will judge him savagely.

August 8: Strange sounds of gunfire echo around Washington. Much more than usual. But I like guns. The horizon is lit up by redness, almost like a fire is blazing hundreds of miles away. Perhaps the nation is celebrating along with us? I turn on Fox News and it is still round-the-clock celebratory mutual masturbation. I also masturbate.

August 9: Got a strange call from Cantor and Boehner. They told us to lay low for a few days, don’t go out at night and refrain from publicly gloating. This, in our hour of triumph?! Nuts to that.

August 10: There is a strange mood here. Fox News has stopped right-wing erotica and is showing clips of anxious people, riots, runs on currency. Gold is now $4,000 an ounce and rising. Cantor nearly got assaulted in the street by a hooligan, probably a jealous and defeated liberal. They said he had a beard. Will bring my concealed firearm just in case.

August 11: Republican HQ was fire-bombed today. Boehner called the rank-and-file and told them the Party could no longer guarantee their safety. There is a small caucus holding up in a K-street office suite, second level. Since it is two miles away I won’t attempt the journey, yet. Scenes on TV showing massive riots and roving bands of looters and thugs. They are all angry and probably liberal. Who thought there were so many liberals in this city? I don’t know where they come from. Probably bussed in from Madison, WI. I will lay low for a few more days. I have enough peanut butter and wheat bread to last a while.

August 12: Someone had posted the names and addresses of Republicans on the net. Two hours later someone threw a brick through my window, nearly hitting my wife Portia. Now the wife is scared, I am angry. I called my friend who is holed up in that office suite. He said the group grows by the day. Still room for maybe 30 others. Limbaugh and Michelle Bachmann turned up yesterday. Limbaugh was wheezing and popping some kind of pink-colored pills. They need firearms and whiskey, and a copy of the Constitution for encouragement.

August 13: Drive-by shootings, on my street! We saw the head of Paul Ryan roll by, and its scared the bejeezus out of me. Portia and I get in our SUV and high-tail it to K Street. Brought my trusty .32 gauge and a liter of Johnny Walker Black. (Guess we’ll be slumming it for a while.) Awesome sights as we rode through town. Trash everywhere. Broken cars. Zombie-like people wandering around. Babies crying. Lawns uncut. Lots of wood nailed to doors and windows. I wonder how other cities look. How could the deficit victory cause this much chaos? Didn’t everyone invest in gold? Why can’t people just be patient?

August 14: After arriving in the office suite, welcomed by solemn nods and some hugs. Whiskey was gone in 10 minutes. Supply of hot dogs and old nachos was nearly depleted. Bachmann turning into a living skeleton; Limbaugh not the personification of excess anymore. Boehner arrived just after me, sweaty and pale; Cantor was stabbed while coming here. At 3:35am the bloodied and lifeless corpse of Reince Priebus was hurled through our bay window. They must know we’re here. I would’ve checked the internet by all commmunications are down. Ten of us got every piece of loose wood together and secured the window. Howls of anger and despair ring out everywhere on the streets below. A group of young leftist scum has gathered across the street, pointing ominously at our office. We are all worried about Mitch McConnell and John McCain, who are due to arrive soon.

August 15: Conversation ground to a halt here. Everybody looks like they got a weeks-to-live diagnosis from their personal physician who isn’t part of a Obamacare health exchange. Bachmann is getting sexually aggressive with both males and females. Limbaugh has been motionless behind an easy chair for days. Boehner’s orange sheen is wearing off; his countenance is off-putting. Tends to sit in the bathtub half the day. Turns out our natural leader is Herman Cain. He is the only one who can shout down those malicious liberals across the street.

August 15: Sarah Palin arrived. Nobody invited her though. She rolled up in an ’82 Datsun so as not to arouse suspicion from the crowd of 50 or so people outside. One of them noticed Palin’s hair, eyeglasses, and pumps (why did she come here in high heels??) and threatened to beat her; she ran in before the crowd got close. Said that Mitch McConnell was assaulted by “fucking liberal monkeys” and died by an unspeakable anal perforation. Since then objects have been thrown at our windows and walls pretty regularly. We had to store Priebus’s body in the back stairwell to give us more room, plus he was beginning to smell terrible.

(UPDATE) Palin is visibly angry and shaken; she won’t sleep and tends to rant, sometimes takes her anger out on other scared people, scaring them even more. She is not good for morale. Bachmann lunged at her and they had a very destructive catfight before we separated them.

August 16: More sophisticated projectiles are being aimed at our office. Everyone spends the day ducking and covering. Voices outside are demanding Palin, Boehner, and other leadership. The crowd says they’ll spare the rest. Boehner looked at us like, “I know you’ll won’t sell me out.”

August 17: Where are the police? We can’t get in touch with anyone.  Noise all night. Food running out. We still have running water but for how long?

August 18: A flaming shit-bag found its way into our office. Now we are hungry and it stinks like dead bodies and poo. Then, first massive assault on our office. Ten people had a large battering object and tried to get through the lobby door. Damn incompetent liberals were too high to bust down the door. Plus, we pushed a few heavy cabinets against it yesterday.  The women here now scream regularly. Limbaugh was found dead behind the easy chair – how long was he dead? We put him out back, next to Priebus. I haven’t eaten for days, but I vomited at the stench of death.

August 19: Bachmann is convinced that God will show us the way out soon. She tried to fondle Herman Cain but was slapped hard.

August 20: The water was shut off at 7am this morning. We are all near panic. There is chanting in unison outside. Bottles are frequently hurled our way. It is difficult to discuss things in private here, but I believe there is a contingent among us that will give up our leaders. I must find a way to get a private conversation started.

August 21: All our feces and urine is piling up in the toilet. This office is intolerable. I’d rather live in Canada than be here. Boehner is white with fright. He knows he’s a marked man. I meet up with a fellow “inmate” (that’s what we are calling ourselves) and we gather a few hungry and desperate men to throw our leaders to the wolves outside. I make a banner reading, “WE HAVE BOEHNER. WE GIVE YOU BOEHNER AND SPARE OUR TORMENT”. We plan to unfurl it at 5:00 in the morning, just as first light hits, and while Boehner does his usual cry in the bathtub. Our signal call? “Anywhere but here.”

August 23: I couldn’t write yesterday because of the terrible events of August 22. After a 5am scuffle a weakened Boehner was thrown out, after which the most terrible carnage was set upon him. I can scarcely explain it. His limbs were ripped, his hair pulled, his torso spiked. Then the feral crowd demanded Bachmann and Palin.  We had no choice but to let them loose. As the crowd fell upon any recognizable face, us low-level Republicans tried to run off, avoiding the blood-screams and broken bodies all around. We all made the mistake of wearing our suits to K-Street. Anyone with a suit was beaten savagely. As I got away, bloody and limping, I saw McCain hanging from a tree. So that’s what happened to him. I wouldn’t have lived to tell you this except for a kind bystander who picked me up in the hour of need. He was a hippie. Dirty clothes, unkempt beard, scruffy hat and sunglasses. I said, “Do what you want, Democrat. I died weeks ago.” He looked at me and gave the faintest smile. He then pulled down his beard slightly. It was a fake! He raised his sunglasses so I could see his eyes. My God, it was Grover Norquist. I collapsed in his arms. I was saved.

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