Skip to content

Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

Not really about Latvian fishes

The wrist of the story

1764: One of St. Louis’s founding officials, during a game of Keep-Away Indian-Skull, loses control of the skull which hits Auguste Chouteau in the crotch, exploding one his testicles. Chouteau is bedridden for the next nine months, forced to watch the other Frenchmen erect trading posts and rape local squaws. Chouteau recovers by April 1765, but his raping skills are never the same again.

1812: In the one major battle of the War of 1812 fought on Missouri soil, British brigadier-general Percy Bumstench shoots Molasses Murtagh between the eyes, killing him. Murtagh was being billed as the next big prospect in slave-trading, devastating St. Louis’ slave-trading fans.

1828: Local horse-fucker Nathaniel J. Knobb gets fatally kicked while fucking his last horse. Knobb had won first prize at the popular Beastercourse and Goatilingus contests at the 1827 Riverfront Faire.

1863: St. Louis’ most celebrated Negrocatcher, F.R. Coates, gets shot in the leg accidentally by Confederate soldiers. His days of Negrocatching over, the crestfallen Confederacy names him an honorary southerner, and makes him a plaque and bust at the Negrocatching Hall of Fame in Montgomery, Ala.

1885: Hard-throwing lefty Leo Van der Roszs of the St. Louis All-Whites Baseball and Gentlemen’s Club gets run over by a horse and buggy outside his home. Van der Roszs loses all feeling in his arms and legs, unable to pitch again. He spends the rest of his days working in an Eads Bridge caisson, dying of the bends in 1889.

1899: John Mealwick of the St. Louis Perfectos, while on the mound, gets hit by a falling hot-air balloon and loses half his torso in the ensuing hydrogen fire.

1918: Top boxing prospect Joey “The Wop” Cusumano is defeated by a mixed-blood Chinaman, humiliating him and his race and casting a dark pall over St. Louis for years to come.

1942: The St. Louis Browns lose two promising pitchers to Axis powers: “Comrade” Jack Horton signs an unprecedented contract with the Moscow Zhiants, and Frankie “Fuji” Spuccanucci joins the Tokyo Athretics.

1966: While enraptured in Beatlemania, Gridbirds linebacker Dick Seaman’s daughter Shirley devours him, puts his fecal remains in a jar, and mails it to Paul McCartney.

1982: After several Cardinals do a giant line of coke off of Whitey Herzog’s titties, owner August Busch thinks it best to send all-star Keith Hernandez away from the team. Busch later sends more coke fiends and dead locker-room hookers to the New York Mets.

1995: The sexual innuendo on Friends is so unprecedented that serial-watcher Bernard Gilkey never lives up to his potential.

2005: Due to Mark McGwire’s congressional testimony, young phenom Colt Schweinbach stops doing anabolic steroids and therefore deprives St. Louis of a 75-home run, 43-win season in 2015, which he would have done had steroids not been banned from baseball. The normal-sized Schweinbach is now moving up the corporate ladder at Mattress Giant.


%d bloggers like this: