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Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

Not really about Latvian fishes

Mr. Yevenky-Maruzg

From: Dezenit B. Yevenky-Maruzg, Ethnic Eatery Association of America (EEAA) Chmn.

Hello and welcome to America! We are glad you’re here. Since you are from some far-off land with quirky food, we recommend that you open a restaurant displaying the best that your home country has to offer. Since the late 1980s, America has become more open to world foods. No more hot dogs and doughnuts here! Who cares about Coca-Cola anymore? And why order a cheese sandwich when you can order a blakhi-plah ricedish next door?  -Dezenit.

THE BASICS:

IF YOU ARE A CHINESE RESTAURANTEUR, then don’t bother with “real” Chinese food. Americans don’t like oily, salty, and spicy foodstuffs. It must be sweet and fried. Any resemblance to the Chinese food you might actually see in China will send Americans running for the hills, where they will start a new civilization bent on destroying China. You must not let this happen! Care for them as if they were your own children. If an odd American does ask for spicy food, then laugh it off and suggest his American stomach cannot possibly tolerate such a shock. Also, it is EEAA policy to name your restaurant ONLY from the following list:

*China Garden, China Wok, China Great Wall, China Inn, China Dragon, China Panda Wok. Any deviation from this list and you run the risk of losing customers.

IF YOU ARE A VIETNAMESE OR THAI RESTARAUNTEUR, then you must do the opposite. Throw any strange Vietnamese-y thing you have into a bowl of oily water and call it something unpronounceable, like leumthumpchap. And don’t worry about being spicy – you will get customers who like the spicy. Also, name your restaurant something weird and impossible to remember, like Ðam Ku Brôp Hãa Kok No. 77.

IF YOU ARE AN INDIAN RESTAURANTEUR, then you are lucky. Americans prefer crappy decoration and austere settings for their Chinese food, but you mustn’t think of opening an Indian restaurant without a whole shitload of Indian decoration. The restaurant must also be darkly-lit, and you must have at least one Sikh on duty. If Americans don’t see a Sikh, then they will walk out and go eat Vietnamese food. Also, beads, beads, beads. A weird smell must be eminating from somewhere. And for Ganesh’s sake, if you don’t put five different types of carbohydrates on the table then you should just hop on the first boat back to India, because you are not meant to do business in the USA. Similar to Chinese establishments, Indian restaurants must be named a variation of:

*India Palace, Taj Mahal, India Raj, Elephant, or Curry Corner.

IF YOU ARE AN IRISH/SCOTTISH/ENGLISH/WELSH RESTAURANTEUR,  then you can go two routes: a “sports bar” that has big TVs that play American sports matches, interspaced with your odd clover leaf and Guiness advertisement; or you can go “all-publike” and have wood everywhere, quirky Irish decorations and/or old-looking Irish shit, sell “pints”, and extra points if you hire a Celtic band. And no matter if you’re not Irish: you must open an Irish pub, because Americans associate the Irish with drinking. They only associate the Scots with kilts, and the English with the royal family. As for the Welsh – Americans don’t know and don’t care.  Furthermore, if the name isn’t “Mc-something” that you had better think of something clever, like “The Horse and Buggy” or “The Fox and Hounds”, or some other tweedy crap.

IF YOU ARE AN ETHIOPIAN RESTAURANTEUR, then chances are you are only going to get Ethiopian or African customers. In the event that an American walks inside, then don’t scare him or her. Move the real Ethiopian-looking customers to the back, behind a bead curtain if possible. Try to keep the disorienting African decoration to a minimum. No weird buzzy music or TV programs. And if you have any interest to not be visited by a health inspector, DO NOT SERVE BUGS. I repeat, DO NOT SERVE BUGS.

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