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Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

Not really about Latvian fishes

Your hatred has made you powerful, young Skywalker

Special for the Today Show by Edith Crudmuffin

LONDON, England

Ahoy, commoners, and a ballyhoo from the royal residences. Specifically, I am in her majesty’s loo, where the Queen has been busy – as always – overseeing the decoration of the royal lavoratory. For a monarch, she is quite the micro-manageress. She has made it known, from the early days of her reign, that the royal lavoratory must be in prim condition, spackinated, and tally-beed. She relates a story of when Chancellor Hitler’s personal secretary visited one of our loos. Apparently, Herr Meinhof was quite disatisfied with the facilities. He made his displeasure known to her majesty, who was appalled that our Hun cousin would dare compare the foecal receptacle to a Moravian peasant’s. Well, with a huff, the Queen ordered her staff to remove the offending latrine and send it to a public library in Norwich.

Since then Her Majesty has been very keen on latrinal quality. The Queen herself does not possess an anus, but that does not stop her from employing a staff of hundreds to polish and spiffinate the hundreds of comfort stations at Buckingham Palace.

Each washbasin must be gold-plated with a platinum and silver faucet. There must be three settings: warm, cold, and Sherry. Any residual water must be soaked up hastily by Sir John Thielwick’s East Indian Sham, the Queen’s preferred cloth-wipe. The hand towel, made of Scottish beard clippings, must be dried and warmed. The bath-mat must be of superior quality, and the floor mustn’t feel colder than 76 degrees lest Her Majesty gets a chill during a midnight urinary.

The toilet, bane of Herr Meinhof’s existence, is now gold-plated with Welsh lamb’s wool covering, and coated with Lord Rodney Bull Hawhaw’s Anti-Stench Tonic, lest a foul odor cause the Queen to take offense. Next to the toilet is a control board that allows the user to choose his or her entertainment: BBC Radio 4, Sky News, or EuroSport is at your command. (Rumor has it that the Queen herself enjoys the Shipping Forecast as she evacuates herself.) Built into the entertainment device is a ticklefanny and bumswaddler, should you need “extra encouragement”. Cleaning up is not an issue as one of dozens of personal wipesmen are at your disposal, summoned by a red button. There is no need to flush the potty, as there are also several trained flushmen on theĀ premises.

Don’t forget that in England, one washes their hands first and does their toilet last. It is not uncommon to see specks of foeces upon royal cuffs, which they will refer to as “Windsor pudding”.

I hope this tutorial has been illuminating. Cheerio for now, and huzzah for the prince and princess!

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