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Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

Not really about Latvian fishes

Turning over rocks so you don't have to

Hi, this is superstar and hero James O’Keefe, exposing the LEFT for what it IS: a shameless, depraved lot of humorless jagoffs that love MARX, hate on America, and drive HATCHBACKS. Well, hahahaha, oh, hwatchahahaha, I’ve brought you the ACORN travesty, the goons behind NPR’s fundraising, and now – what Liberals do on the TOILET!!!!! Get ready to be horrified!!!!!

12:50pm: I enter the public restroom on the 3rd floor of NPR headquarters. I take the far stall. All quiet for now.

12:58: The first post-lunch rush. I hear a couple men wander in and pee. Nothing is said. I only think one of them washed their hands.

1:04: Somebody occupies the stall next to mine to drop a deuce. There are three stalls, and instead of taking the first one, he chooses the one next to mine. Weird. Is he gay, or does he have a scat fetish? Surely he knows I’m in the far stall. I had put on orange and black shoes so I could be seen clearly. He drops a quick bomb with barely a sound. Probably eats sprouts and polenta. It takes me twenty minutes to fully defecate, but I eat roast beef sandwiches and chicken burritos like every day.

1:09: A second man walks in, this time takes the first stall. His crapping is more labored, with noticeable splashing.

1:17: A guy walks in. On his phone. Ooooh, this could be good. Seems to be talking to a producer or maybe a friend. Discusses the new accounting software and then the Redskins. No bashing of Republicans. Then moves to the urinal to pee. Good stream, a healthy urethra. Washes hands, checks for pimples, leaves.

1:26: This is what I was dreading. A guy in sneakers comes in to shit, but after he’s on the toilet, notices there’s another stall occupied. His bowels freeze up. We are in a standoff. He is obviously waiting me out. God damn it. I pretend to finish, flush, pretend to wash my hands, and walk out. I wait outside for fifteen minutes until sneakers man leaves the bathroom. While I am waiting, two other men enter and then leave. Could they be discussing Sarah Palin’s lack of intelligence? We’ll never know.

1:41: Back in the far stall. My home base. While I am waiting for someone to walk in, I suddenly feel the urge to take a dump. Now the predator becomes the prey. I surrender to the urge, but in the process of straining I drop my recording device and it breaks on the floor. Then someone comes in and begins discussing Fox News. Fuck! I have no audio evidence now, just this bathroom journal. But James O’Keefe is beyond suspicion. What I heard is the absolute truth:

Man [on the phone]: Can you believe these nitwits at Fox News? They are pure rapscallions. Never seen so many bad eggs, nor heard so much baloney. Now that Megyn Kelly, she’s a dumb dora. And Sean Hannity, he is hard boiled, but a reuben mick, and a mulligan to boot. [Farts audibly.] But don’t worry about it. Everything’s Jake.

Did you hear that? NPR employees talking about Republicans in such harsh tones! Well, I was so upset I forgot to wipe. (I only realized this on the way home, when a rough left turn chapped my ass instantly.) But I was hoping for one more scoop…

1:56: I was planning to leave the bathroom, since my defecation had rendered the workspace air impossible for further snooping. As I was pulling up my shorts, a person came in, and stepped up to the urinal. He was whistling the Chinese national anthem! I swear to God. But I couldn’t continue. My recorder was broken and I had stained the toilet bowl, even after three flushes. NPR toilets are not made to handle Republican turds. At Fox News, they have a special scraper built into every bowl.

O’KEEFE OUT!!!!!

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