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Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

Not really about Latvian fishes

A Roman knows

I, Publicus Commodus, of modest birth, from the hamlet of Festus, here announces his candidacy for the prefecture of Indiania. Though my father was a lowly fuller, and my mother a Pannonian slave-girl, I feel it necessary to run for office to restore this prefecture to its founders’ original intentions.

Legend says that the original inhabitant of Indiania was a wayward man-child, veteran of several failed business ventures. At a loss for occupation, he decided to consecrate a new settlement. He then built our capital city single-handedly, relying only on his cunning and hard work. He asked for nothing and received nothing. He certainly did not have the grain dole and aqueducts to rely on, benefits that the soft and corrupted Roman citizenry enjoy.

So, fellow citizens, I pledge to bring back the days of sweat and toil, when a man would build his house, then do battle in the summer months. Upon returning, he may find his wife ravaged, daughters kidnapped,  and sons expired. This proud citizen would not mourn, nor complain, but rebuild his lot in quiet dignity. For a man is nothing without his vocation; idleness is a concept of those vile and womanly Parthians.

It has been revealed that a novice “Christian” religion is penetrating our storied empire. My father would not accept any import from the Levantine, and nor would I. I pledge to fight this pestulence with my entire corpus. This religion purports to deny its followers the joys of drunken revelry, animal sacrifice, homosexuality, and divorce. Furthermore, this heathen cult aims to make Sunday a day of rest! This must be a Parthian scheme to rot the Empire from the inside out. I would not wish this epicurean infirmity on even the langorous Romans. As my father, the humble Publicus Brutus said, “The day they take away my right to bed underage boys is the day I cease being an Indianian!”

So you see, fellow citizens, there is but one choice to make this election season: work hard, go to war, and honor our ancestors.

May the Parthians and their devious allies be vaquished in battle,

Publicus Commodus

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