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Checklist of the Parasites of Fishes of Latvia

Not really about Latvian fishes

This year's brightest prospect

Hiya folks, this is FUX Sports’ Buster C. Horninschweiler here to guide you through this year’s draft. There are plenty of standout players, hell there are enough young studs here to fill Jeff Garcia’s asshole. The question is, will there be football to play this year? Will the players bow down to their overlord masters, or join the socialist international?  Will I decide to lick on Subway’s or Progressive’s hairy scroti as this column’s sponsor? Fuck it, let’s pick ’em!

1: DEODRE THWATKINS to Carolina. This young kid has shown toughness all year, wears his pants at the proper level, and only shot two people while at Nevada Cactus University.

2: SEMPRONIUS LUCRETIUS JOHNSON. From Pacific Ocean University, this guy has translated Caesar’s Gallic Wars into two languages, and catches right tackles off guard every time. Salve Sempronius!

3: D’EWBERRY BANKS. Straight outta Kaplan University’s online football and health care administration program. His mom named him after something that we will never know. But he sure as hell inherited her powerful thighs, and this man could run a freight train through a neutron star.

4. TONY UTAH. An intelligently short man from Butter College. Experts rate him as a poor man’s Joe Montana. I say he’s a rich man’s Jeff George.

5. LEITMOTIF WARD. Hailing from the University of Southwest South Dakota, his recurring theme is greatness.

6. MURRAY. From McGerrigan’s Traveling University. Dude only has one name, but dude can hit.

7. ANDRE “BIGGINS” HIGGINS. The powerful tight end from Gay University. Despite his name, he is rather slight.

8. K. ROOSEVELT LINCOLN. Record-breaking RB from the Un-versity. This is one Roosevelt who is not crippled!

9. COLT SMITH-WESSON. Grew up in west Texas and raised by Gila Monsters, so his protective shell makes him particularly immune to the blitz. Attended the Universidad de Ciudad Juarez.

10. MUDDY FARTER. This 350-pound ghetto child has no business being on the football field, but his weight and smell make him a potential Pro Bowler. Out of the University of Springfield, Oremassahio.

11. DEACON M. PRIEST. He pledged himself to Jesus during his studies at Elijah Muhammad University. After every tackle he makes, he swears, the Lord whispers the weather forecast in his ear.

12. “JOHN SMITH”. He wandered out of the Louisiana bog in 2009 with mysterious running back powers. No one knows his name, though he told Coach Crumbles of Kinko Kollege that he had a faint memory of a Casey’s General Store in Arkansas.

13. DMITRI “THE SWORD OF THE CAUCASUS”. So feared was he at the Universiti Tblisi that old men in the stands would ignite at the sound of his name.

14. BRYCE PACKENPUSH. This guy is my kind of guy. He has the hair of a Macedonian warlord and the heir of an immense trust fund. Joined not one but two fraternities at Midwestern Plains University. He only wears V-neck sweaters, even during the height of summer. I’d have picked him to go higher in the draft, but he has never met a black person, and recently told me that he wouldn’t know what to do if he did.

15. STACEY THOMAS. The only lady of the first round, but oh is she a lady. Her classmates at Old Marxist U. thought she was a lesbian, until she was accused of rape by the entire offensive line. (She was acquitted after the university’s LGBT club wrote a withering op-ed in the OMU People’s Daily.) When this gal isn’t sexually harassing the student body, she is sacking quarterbacks.

16. XYGAX OF 40-ERIDANI-A. Sent by the advanced civilization on Eridani Prime. His teammates call him the “X-Factor”. He is only a high school graduate because on his homeworld knowledge is no longer imparted but rather implanted.

17. JOE POLIOPINAMAKOMEA. His name is as long as he is agile. This feisty Samoan would rather tackle fish than eat them. Has dreams of joining the Montreal Alouettes in his declining years.

18. BILLY KWAN. Who says the Chinese can’t play football? I still do. But this all-star receiver from Tak Tak University will have everybody chasing after the “yellow peril”.

19. “FIGHTIN'” PHINEAS MCCLOSKIE. This brute from Dixie’s Banjo College has been known to give the cauliflower ear to many a young abolitionist. Known to live on bacon fat and molasses only. Told me that his twin motivations are the Kingdom of Jesus Christ and racism. He repeatedly told me that there is no room in America for n*****s, s****s, h*****s, and bloody papists. He also said the forward pass was an unacceptable yankee invention. Vows that unless the Tenneessee Titans pick him, he will return to Crawdad Gulch to do truck tendin’.

20. PAT O’MALLEY. This south Bostonian just loves Boston. So do his brothers. He fights a lot. Went to South Boston Patriots Sox Fuck Yeah University. Irish. Catholic. Probably molested. Plays any position on the field, except for kicker, “a position for faggots”.

21. A NEON TETRA. Though may not look good on the field, this fish is an eye-catching (and affordable) tropical fish loved by aquarium enthusiasts around the world.

22. JA’MARCUS RUSSELL’S UNDERWEAR. While the body may have failed the test of the NFL, Ja’Marcus’s undapants are still hungry for action. Can play wideout with minimal staining.

23. SATURN’S MOON ENCELADUS. After millions of years orbiting the silent vacuum of space round Saturn, this moon is more than eager for fame and fortune. At .080 22 ± 0.001 01 ×1020kg, his mass is enough to dominate the line of scimmage. But will he be able to stay within Earth’s atmosphere without causing a massive environmental catastrophe?


25. THE EPHEMERAL MIST OF AN OREGON MORNING. More beautiful than all the linebackers of Michigan State put together, nay, more beautiful than all the naked linebackers of Ohio State put together!

26. GAS STATION-BOUGHT SLICED AMERICAN CHEESE. Very underrated, and possibly contaminated. By the NFL is not for pussy cheeses bought at Whole Foods.

27. JOANNE KERCH OF TOPEKA, KS. This divorcee and volunteer librarian knows her Johnny Tremain and her west coast offense. She once bit a skin tag off Marty Schottenheimer’s armpit.

28. SIDEWALK STAIN. Goddamn it, I told those morons at city hall about that.

29. A 1987 HAMMOND NORTH AMERICAN ROAD ATLAS. Phoenix has about a million fewer people! And the 404 hasn’t even been built.

30. MY WIFE, TERESA BRUCKDORF-HORNINSCHWEILER. She can’t tackle worth a damn, and she hasn’t made a decent casserole in months, but she seems to think any man is better than me, so fuck you, find another goddamned husband!

31. THE CORPSE OF LYLE ALZADO. He’s clean, mean, and undead. But can he live up to the standard he set in the 1980s?

32. OH, I DON’T KNOW, HOW ABOUT A 33% OFF COUPON AT BORDERS. For which I plug my upcoming book: Horninschweiler Unplugged. It is a collection of my rants, columns, and mock drafts over the years. And don’t forget to follow my regular column in the Peoria Advertisers’ Weekly, and my twitter feed (handle: Hornicakes99).

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